i need a hug.

so. im absolutely overwhelmed.

i understand that i should live a life in such a way that it cant be explained without God being the glue-factor. the thing that holds it all together and makes it all make sense. i should live a life that is dependent on God.

im afraid its to the point where i have NO CHOICE in the matter.

i cant pay for school. what i owe for this semester will break my existing savings. i will have nothing left. i dont have a job for this summer yet. and even with a job this summer, it wont be enough to pay for school. i need scholarships and loans if this is gunna get pulled off. then its gunna be that all over again the year after that. but then, after my fourth year, my academic scholarship runs out bc its only a four year award. then what am i supposed to do?? thats it. and thats if i can make it to that point with loans and working my butt off. and thats without emergencies. thats as long as i can keep a running vehicle, dont have any hospital visits, etc.

God, i cant do this. i dont want to have to leave the close friends i have at school. i dont want to have to leave the place that i realized that you even existed. God, i need a miracle. i need you to supply. my heart is so heavy with worries about my future. i dont know what my major needs to be. i dont know how im going to pay for school. im not ready. im still dependent on my parents for a cell phone and vehicle and insurance. i cant do that for myself. i understand that what supports me is temporary. it could fail at any moment. and i would be doomed. something has to change soon or time will make it collapse beneath me.

i want to be able to support more than just myself. but im not ready. i cant support myself. im almost twenty years old and i still cant live on my own.

God please. i dont even know what im asking for.

something. God. please. something.

no turning back.

in John 6:60-71, the bible talks about a bunch of Jesus's disciples deserting him because his teaching is too hard to understand.
6:60 (NLT) says, "Many of his disciples said, "This is very hard to understand. How can anyone accept it?"
then from 6:61-65 Jesus blows their minds with more words like (6:63a), "The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing."
in 6:66, "At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him."
6:67-69, "Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, "Are you also going to leave?" Simon Peter replied, "Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God."

This is where I am.

at times i just sit back and think about everything going on, and how i feel like theres nothing but difficulty ahead of me. then i selfishly wish that none of it were true. that all this God stuff wasnt real. because then if it wasnt true, then i wouldnt have to answer to anything and i could just control everything thats mine and do everything on my own. but i know in my heart and mind that God is God. i cant turn back now. if i did, i would never ever ever find joy in life knowing that i should be serving a Creator. my only hope at having joy in life is in God.