i hate it. absolutely hate it.
it kills me inside. it consumes me and makes me feel worthless.
thats what i am. worthless. unworthy. filthy. dirty. insignificant.
it makes me lose faith in myself.
it makes me lose other peoples trust.
it makes me lose other peoples faith in me.
it makes me lose other peoples respect for me. respect for myself.
it makes me lose the ability to be loved.
God, why do i have to fail?
why cant i do right the first time? or second?
but i keep failing.
im sick of it. SICK OF IT. it makes me sick. I HATE FAILURE.
i hate myself for failing.
why do i fail, God? i fail You. i fail the people i love.
why, God?
to humble me? no. more like to humiliate me.
"Humble yourself. You won't like the way God does it." - Beth Moore
if youre reading, please listen to this. humble yourself. please, im begging you.
i feel massive heartache. i almost dont want to be alive.
i thought it was good to be broken?
but why does something that should be have to hurt so much?
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if you did everything right the first time or the second time, what would you need God for? just a thought...
ReplyDeleteYou can't lose the ability to be loved. That's not up to you in the first place. One day you'll look back on those times (like this one) that sucked, and you'll see how the Lord was there the whole time. And Sam is right. How would we know the beauty or depth of Grace, if we didn't need it?
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you when it crosses my mind. Keep it up. I can't wait to see you on the other side of it. (: