endurance.

God is good. all the time.
but this is common sense to a young believer.
how about when the going gets tough?
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
well what does it mean "the good of those?"
i think a common misconception is that it means prosperity or good happenings for those of His.
well i think it means something else.
if you are a believer, what is good for you? is prosperity good? what about suffering for the glory of God? would that be good for you?
i feel that sometimes we, including me, forget that this life is not always going to be good and dandy. its going to get difficult. and i think that is something we need to get used to.
we must walk by faith.
faith that God is good. all the time.
i want to be able to forget everything that i have heard and have been taught about God and i want to learn who He is from the Creator Himself.

flake.

so. im kinda tired of having big plans and not following through with them.
bible studies at the beginning of the semester with hopes and expectations of taking on the campus. starting a revival. how about that?
im getting tired of routine and surface worship and facades.
i want real.
i want truth.
i want genuine.
i want to search.
i dont want to rely on this public group or that agenda to feed me. i want a group of fellowship that will meet out of common cause, not obligation.
common prayer.
common praise.
common worship.
common pains.
common hurts.
common healing.
common responsibility.

delirium.

this world is temporary. and is full of temporary things. nothing will last. with nothing you are born into this world. when you leave it, you wont be taking anything with you. so if nothing that is material really matters, and the only thing that counts is what you do with your life, then logically, you have a lot of options. the things that your hands work on, the things that you spend time on--those are things that matter to you. you CHOOSE those things. out of all the options of life you choose what matters to you. what you love. it IS a choice.

what do you love?

boo yah.

i think that true happiness is acquired when your destination and your journey are one in the same.

congrats.

to ben and kate.
i only had this past school year to get to know these two people, but they were still able to leave an impact. they got married this past sunday, and im sad that i was not able to make it.
however, im sure that it was an absolutely stunningly beautiful wedding ceremony and i would like to wish them the best. and to wish them luck as they go to seminary school.
i pray that through their marriage people can look in from the outside and see how their marriage reflects the beauty of God's love and mercy on us. the relationship between God and his bride, the church. that through their relationship and actions towards each other, that people can see the light of Christ, how sacrificing to give life, and willingness to forgive, and selflessness to provide. God, let it be. let them glorify You.

empty handed.

i had a sweet little thought earlier today.
heard a song with lyrics that went something like, "God, i come to you with empty hands."

and i thought to myself...

i had NOTHING to offer to God. i came to God empty handed. nothing good to offer. just a bunch of mess ups and failures.
and daily i come to God with nothing in my hands to offer to God.
but before i let satan get the upper hand and beat me down like usual, i thought, hey, maybe thats how its supposed to be. because if i come to God with totally empty hands, that means that im holding on to... nothing. nothing to hold me back from holding completely on to Him.

God help me glorify You.

i hate failure.

i hate it. absolutely hate it.
it kills me inside. it consumes me and makes me feel worthless.
thats what i am. worthless. unworthy. filthy. dirty. insignificant.
it makes me lose faith in myself.
it makes me lose other peoples trust.
it makes me lose other peoples faith in me.
it makes me lose other peoples respect for me. respect for myself.
it makes me lose the ability to be loved.
God, why do i have to fail?
why cant i do right the first time? or second?
but i keep failing.
im sick of it. SICK OF IT. it makes me sick. I HATE FAILURE.
i hate myself for failing.
why do i fail, God? i fail You. i fail the people i love.
why, God?
to humble me? no. more like to humiliate me.
"Humble yourself. You won't like the way God does it." - Beth Moore
if youre reading, please listen to this. humble yourself. please, im begging you.
i feel massive heartache. i almost dont want to be alive.
i thought it was good to be broken?
but why does something that should be have to hurt so much?