i hate failure.

i hate it. absolutely hate it.
it kills me inside. it consumes me and makes me feel worthless.
thats what i am. worthless. unworthy. filthy. dirty. insignificant.
it makes me lose faith in myself.
it makes me lose other peoples trust.
it makes me lose other peoples faith in me.
it makes me lose other peoples respect for me. respect for myself.
it makes me lose the ability to be loved.
God, why do i have to fail?
why cant i do right the first time? or second?
but i keep failing.
im sick of it. SICK OF IT. it makes me sick. I HATE FAILURE.
i hate myself for failing.
why do i fail, God? i fail You. i fail the people i love.
why, God?
to humble me? no. more like to humiliate me.
"Humble yourself. You won't like the way God does it." - Beth Moore
if youre reading, please listen to this. humble yourself. please, im begging you.
i feel massive heartache. i almost dont want to be alive.
i thought it was good to be broken?
but why does something that should be have to hurt so much?

i need a hug.

so. im absolutely overwhelmed.

i understand that i should live a life in such a way that it cant be explained without God being the glue-factor. the thing that holds it all together and makes it all make sense. i should live a life that is dependent on God.

im afraid its to the point where i have NO CHOICE in the matter.

i cant pay for school. what i owe for this semester will break my existing savings. i will have nothing left. i dont have a job for this summer yet. and even with a job this summer, it wont be enough to pay for school. i need scholarships and loans if this is gunna get pulled off. then its gunna be that all over again the year after that. but then, after my fourth year, my academic scholarship runs out bc its only a four year award. then what am i supposed to do?? thats it. and thats if i can make it to that point with loans and working my butt off. and thats without emergencies. thats as long as i can keep a running vehicle, dont have any hospital visits, etc.

God, i cant do this. i dont want to have to leave the close friends i have at school. i dont want to have to leave the place that i realized that you even existed. God, i need a miracle. i need you to supply. my heart is so heavy with worries about my future. i dont know what my major needs to be. i dont know how im going to pay for school. im not ready. im still dependent on my parents for a cell phone and vehicle and insurance. i cant do that for myself. i understand that what supports me is temporary. it could fail at any moment. and i would be doomed. something has to change soon or time will make it collapse beneath me.

i want to be able to support more than just myself. but im not ready. i cant support myself. im almost twenty years old and i still cant live on my own.

God please. i dont even know what im asking for.

something. God. please. something.

no turning back.

in John 6:60-71, the bible talks about a bunch of Jesus's disciples deserting him because his teaching is too hard to understand.
6:60 (NLT) says, "Many of his disciples said, "This is very hard to understand. How can anyone accept it?"
then from 6:61-65 Jesus blows their minds with more words like (6:63a), "The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing."
in 6:66, "At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him."
6:67-69, "Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, "Are you also going to leave?" Simon Peter replied, "Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God."

This is where I am.

at times i just sit back and think about everything going on, and how i feel like theres nothing but difficulty ahead of me. then i selfishly wish that none of it were true. that all this God stuff wasnt real. because then if it wasnt true, then i wouldnt have to answer to anything and i could just control everything thats mine and do everything on my own. but i know in my heart and mind that God is God. i cant turn back now. if i did, i would never ever ever find joy in life knowing that i should be serving a Creator. my only hope at having joy in life is in God.

stargazer.

"From God's other known attributes we may learn much about His love. We can know, for instance, that because God is self-existent, His love had no beginning; because He is eternal, His love can have no end; because He is infinite, it has no limit; because He is holy, it is the quintessence of all spotless purity; because He is immense, His love is an incomprehensibly vast, bottomless, shoreless sea before which we kneel in joyful silence and from which the loftiest eloquence retreats confused and abashed.
Yet if we would know God and for other's sake tell what we know, we must try to speak of His love. All Christians have tried, but none have ever done it very well. I can no more do justice to that awesome and wonder-filled theme than a child can grasp a star. Still, by reaching toward the star the child may call attention to it and even indicate the direction one must look to see it. So, as i stretch my heart toward the high, shining love of God, someone who has not before known about it may be encouraged to look up and have hope."

Knowledge of the Holy, pg 98
A. W. Tozer

love, love. love is all you need.

its impossible to love God's creation of humanity without having a genuine relationship with him. you may be able to love some people, but not everyone.

look at the situation of a loving parent and their loved child. no matter what that child does, the parent will always love them. because they are theirs. that child may be disobedient. or rude. or hurtful. whatever. that parent always loves their child.
God loves all creation. no matter how bad they mess up. no matter how mad they may get at God. God will always be there to love on them. all of creation is God's children.

but God also calls us to love one another. everyone. thats totally inexclusive btw (pronounced: bee-tee-dub).

if you dont have the Holy Spirit living in you, then the task of loving everyone is a task of loving more so than God. that is of course, understanding that im limiting Gods love to the familiar love that we know as parental love. but what else can i do but compare?

but thats impossible. God loves everyone because they are all his. for someone to love everyone even though they arent theirs, thats a love higher than God's. which cannot be done.

but. if you have that God (aka Holy Spirit) inside you, the task seems a little more tangible i think. you have the possibility of loving everyone because its God. not you.

not you.

its not about you anyway.

its not about you.

wild at heart.

"in the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue."

"she was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. a man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. he needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into" . . . "what does it mean when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? it may mean that he has some soul work to do. his soul is the issue. instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone . . . he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream." . . . "what i am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered."

"where does a man go to learn . . . his true name, a name that can never be taken from him? that deep heart knowledge comes only through a process of initiation. you have to know where youve come from; you have to have faced a series of trials that test you; you have to have taken a journey; and you have to have faced your enemy."

"life is not a problem to be solved; it is an adventure to be lived."




so i finished reading wild at heart, soon to start captivating (hopefully). and i still feel lost, without direction. kind of. i dont really know how to explain it all.
i want to be wild at heart. i want to be able to fight an immense battle. i long for that kind of action that you can only get from a crazy adventure. and i think more than anything i want to save that beauty. but im scared.
im afraid.
im afraid that im not enough.
and you know what? im not.

the difference between giving it my all or giving up.

so ive been searching for a while now. im so close. its crazy.
im afraid to jump for it and take that leap of faith.
im afraid because i dont want to fail at what i decide to stand for.
right now its so easy to be a genuine person, when all i stand for is being genuine. honest. trustworthy. but when i decide to stand for God, thats a lot harder.
i cant. i WILL mess up. i am going to stumble and theres nothing anyone can do about it.
i cant. i cant because im not perfect. i cant because everyone falls short of the glory of God. does anyone follow? i'd have to stand for everything. love. mercy. grace. forgiveness. honesty. faithfulness. justice. etc.
theres so much. and theres just no way thats humanly possible.
i dont want to be a hypocrite. i dont want to show my way of life, mess that up, and appear a liar.
the last thing i want to be is a liar.