saintified.

heres a little bit of a cool train of thought i had a few weeks ago, that im finally sitting down to blog about.
imagine that you are God. shouldnt be that hard. we do that all the time.
now. you get to create the universe and everything in it. you get to design how everything works. EVERYTHING. do you know how youre gunna set up the physics of it all??
now, without stealing too much of God's ideas, think of how you would have everything work together. would there be gravity? how many states of matter would there be? what colors would there be? how would matter combine and multiply? would things grow?
there are so many ways that nature SCREAMS at us that God is real and that He is God. but since thats all we've ever known, i guess we just take it all for granted. i mean, think about gravity. where does it come from? oh ok. it comes from extremely large amounts of mass pulling on the matter of relatively tiny masses. ok. why? why does that happen? where does that power come from and why? how? what about states of matter? would you make a world the is made up of a combination of different matters? how would there matters move and interact with each other? what about color? think right now, and try to create in your mind an entirely brand new never before seen color. you cant. you would always be drawing form the colors that God lets you see. how would know if the colors that you see were the only colors there ever were? how would your universe sustain life? how would life thrive and grow? would you make cells that multiply? to replicate and make copies of themselves? what about birth? design your own birth process. good luck with that. thats a miracle, i dont care who you are. it doesnt matter if youre the smartest scientist that ever walked the earth that could explain away any kind of supernatural event, birth is a miracle and a mystery of God.
Romans 1:18-25
read it.
we are without excuse.
we are to worship the one and only true God.
we are fools to do otherwise.

endurance.

God is good. all the time.
but this is common sense to a young believer.
how about when the going gets tough?
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
well what does it mean "the good of those?"
i think a common misconception is that it means prosperity or good happenings for those of His.
well i think it means something else.
if you are a believer, what is good for you? is prosperity good? what about suffering for the glory of God? would that be good for you?
i feel that sometimes we, including me, forget that this life is not always going to be good and dandy. its going to get difficult. and i think that is something we need to get used to.
we must walk by faith.
faith that God is good. all the time.
i want to be able to forget everything that i have heard and have been taught about God and i want to learn who He is from the Creator Himself.

flake.

so. im kinda tired of having big plans and not following through with them.
bible studies at the beginning of the semester with hopes and expectations of taking on the campus. starting a revival. how about that?
im getting tired of routine and surface worship and facades.
i want real.
i want truth.
i want genuine.
i want to search.
i dont want to rely on this public group or that agenda to feed me. i want a group of fellowship that will meet out of common cause, not obligation.
common prayer.
common praise.
common worship.
common pains.
common hurts.
common healing.
common responsibility.

delirium.

this world is temporary. and is full of temporary things. nothing will last. with nothing you are born into this world. when you leave it, you wont be taking anything with you. so if nothing that is material really matters, and the only thing that counts is what you do with your life, then logically, you have a lot of options. the things that your hands work on, the things that you spend time on--those are things that matter to you. you CHOOSE those things. out of all the options of life you choose what matters to you. what you love. it IS a choice.

what do you love?

boo yah.

i think that true happiness is acquired when your destination and your journey are one in the same.

congrats.

to ben and kate.
i only had this past school year to get to know these two people, but they were still able to leave an impact. they got married this past sunday, and im sad that i was not able to make it.
however, im sure that it was an absolutely stunningly beautiful wedding ceremony and i would like to wish them the best. and to wish them luck as they go to seminary school.
i pray that through their marriage people can look in from the outside and see how their marriage reflects the beauty of God's love and mercy on us. the relationship between God and his bride, the church. that through their relationship and actions towards each other, that people can see the light of Christ, how sacrificing to give life, and willingness to forgive, and selflessness to provide. God, let it be. let them glorify You.

empty handed.

i had a sweet little thought earlier today.
heard a song with lyrics that went something like, "God, i come to you with empty hands."

and i thought to myself...

i had NOTHING to offer to God. i came to God empty handed. nothing good to offer. just a bunch of mess ups and failures.
and daily i come to God with nothing in my hands to offer to God.
but before i let satan get the upper hand and beat me down like usual, i thought, hey, maybe thats how its supposed to be. because if i come to God with totally empty hands, that means that im holding on to... nothing. nothing to hold me back from holding completely on to Him.

God help me glorify You.

i hate failure.

i hate it. absolutely hate it.
it kills me inside. it consumes me and makes me feel worthless.
thats what i am. worthless. unworthy. filthy. dirty. insignificant.
it makes me lose faith in myself.
it makes me lose other peoples trust.
it makes me lose other peoples faith in me.
it makes me lose other peoples respect for me. respect for myself.
it makes me lose the ability to be loved.
God, why do i have to fail?
why cant i do right the first time? or second?
but i keep failing.
im sick of it. SICK OF IT. it makes me sick. I HATE FAILURE.
i hate myself for failing.
why do i fail, God? i fail You. i fail the people i love.
why, God?
to humble me? no. more like to humiliate me.
"Humble yourself. You won't like the way God does it." - Beth Moore
if youre reading, please listen to this. humble yourself. please, im begging you.
i feel massive heartache. i almost dont want to be alive.
i thought it was good to be broken?
but why does something that should be have to hurt so much?

i need a hug.

so. im absolutely overwhelmed.

i understand that i should live a life in such a way that it cant be explained without God being the glue-factor. the thing that holds it all together and makes it all make sense. i should live a life that is dependent on God.

im afraid its to the point where i have NO CHOICE in the matter.

i cant pay for school. what i owe for this semester will break my existing savings. i will have nothing left. i dont have a job for this summer yet. and even with a job this summer, it wont be enough to pay for school. i need scholarships and loans if this is gunna get pulled off. then its gunna be that all over again the year after that. but then, after my fourth year, my academic scholarship runs out bc its only a four year award. then what am i supposed to do?? thats it. and thats if i can make it to that point with loans and working my butt off. and thats without emergencies. thats as long as i can keep a running vehicle, dont have any hospital visits, etc.

God, i cant do this. i dont want to have to leave the close friends i have at school. i dont want to have to leave the place that i realized that you even existed. God, i need a miracle. i need you to supply. my heart is so heavy with worries about my future. i dont know what my major needs to be. i dont know how im going to pay for school. im not ready. im still dependent on my parents for a cell phone and vehicle and insurance. i cant do that for myself. i understand that what supports me is temporary. it could fail at any moment. and i would be doomed. something has to change soon or time will make it collapse beneath me.

i want to be able to support more than just myself. but im not ready. i cant support myself. im almost twenty years old and i still cant live on my own.

God please. i dont even know what im asking for.

something. God. please. something.

no turning back.

in John 6:60-71, the bible talks about a bunch of Jesus's disciples deserting him because his teaching is too hard to understand.
6:60 (NLT) says, "Many of his disciples said, "This is very hard to understand. How can anyone accept it?"
then from 6:61-65 Jesus blows their minds with more words like (6:63a), "The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing."
in 6:66, "At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him."
6:67-69, "Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, "Are you also going to leave?" Simon Peter replied, "Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God."

This is where I am.

at times i just sit back and think about everything going on, and how i feel like theres nothing but difficulty ahead of me. then i selfishly wish that none of it were true. that all this God stuff wasnt real. because then if it wasnt true, then i wouldnt have to answer to anything and i could just control everything thats mine and do everything on my own. but i know in my heart and mind that God is God. i cant turn back now. if i did, i would never ever ever find joy in life knowing that i should be serving a Creator. my only hope at having joy in life is in God.

stargazer.

"From God's other known attributes we may learn much about His love. We can know, for instance, that because God is self-existent, His love had no beginning; because He is eternal, His love can have no end; because He is infinite, it has no limit; because He is holy, it is the quintessence of all spotless purity; because He is immense, His love is an incomprehensibly vast, bottomless, shoreless sea before which we kneel in joyful silence and from which the loftiest eloquence retreats confused and abashed.
Yet if we would know God and for other's sake tell what we know, we must try to speak of His love. All Christians have tried, but none have ever done it very well. I can no more do justice to that awesome and wonder-filled theme than a child can grasp a star. Still, by reaching toward the star the child may call attention to it and even indicate the direction one must look to see it. So, as i stretch my heart toward the high, shining love of God, someone who has not before known about it may be encouraged to look up and have hope."

Knowledge of the Holy, pg 98
A. W. Tozer

love, love. love is all you need.

its impossible to love God's creation of humanity without having a genuine relationship with him. you may be able to love some people, but not everyone.

look at the situation of a loving parent and their loved child. no matter what that child does, the parent will always love them. because they are theirs. that child may be disobedient. or rude. or hurtful. whatever. that parent always loves their child.
God loves all creation. no matter how bad they mess up. no matter how mad they may get at God. God will always be there to love on them. all of creation is God's children.

but God also calls us to love one another. everyone. thats totally inexclusive btw (pronounced: bee-tee-dub).

if you dont have the Holy Spirit living in you, then the task of loving everyone is a task of loving more so than God. that is of course, understanding that im limiting Gods love to the familiar love that we know as parental love. but what else can i do but compare?

but thats impossible. God loves everyone because they are all his. for someone to love everyone even though they arent theirs, thats a love higher than God's. which cannot be done.

but. if you have that God (aka Holy Spirit) inside you, the task seems a little more tangible i think. you have the possibility of loving everyone because its God. not you.

not you.

its not about you anyway.

its not about you.